Discipline Through Observations

"Kind of a mess in here, isn't it gentlemen?"

Discipline literally means "to teach." It is not only learning to follow rules, which so many adults focus upon. It is also teaching children to CHOOSE to follow the rules, to choose to work with their community members to better situations, to choose to be responsible for their behavior and their actions, to choose to not follow friends who are making bad choices, and to have the internal motivation to make correct choices even when no one is looking. 

This is another low-key method to use in your discipline strategy, that greatly enhances the above aspects in children's behavior.

It again works best with clear and consistent rules and expectations. If a child knows exactly what is expected, then they also know exactly what is going wrong. 

The key aspect of this method is that it places the responsibility for knowing the rules and expectations, choosing to follow the rules and expectations, and correcting their behavior, ON THE CHILD. It is not a top-down demand for obedience, it is an observation that requires the child to own their behavior and make different/appropriate choices. 

It promotes internal motivation, self-reliance, resiliency, responsibility, autonomy, work ethic, leadership, teamwork, community...Yes, 3-4 year olds. 

Demands simply require compliance. Demands place the problem on your shoulders. Demands tell children to do things they should already be doing.

I use it in a 3-step process:

1. "Do I hear someone running inside? I hope not There is no running inside. Someone could get hurt and I don't like my friends to get hurt."

2. "Did I just hear someone running inside AGAIN? People who run inside will have to go into time out."

3. "[Mr. L] time out for running."

Examples:

"Did I hear someone spitting? [blowing raspberries] I hope not, there is no spitting. That's how people spread germs and children get sick. No one likes to be sick."

Mr. R: "[Mr. La], don't do that. It's nasty."

"I wish we could go outside, but the floor is all full of toys. We can't even safely get to the door. We have to take care of our responsibilities first. Responsible children don't leave messes on the floor for others to trip over and get hurt."

Mr. L: "[Mr. H] and I'll pick up the block area. You guys pick up the play area so we can go outside."

"We can't have story time until people take care of their responsibilities." [I circle my finger around the table area, where children have abandoned activities]

Mr. H: "I'll put mine away. [Mr. La] you need to put your activity away so we can have stories!

I have no problem rewarding and promoting compliance. I always offer high praise. The person who chooses to pick up will get the choice of story. The person who picks up others' messes will get a few chocolate chips. These random rewards just help to reinforce that good behavior, good choices, have their benefits.

We currently have a "Responsibilities First" agenda going on here and at home, so they hear that word repetitiously, and know what it means.

When you are not telling a specific child to do a specific thing, then the group as a whole has to decide who is responsible, what changes need to be made, and who will perform in what manner. 

There is an underlying request for action, and an underlying reward or threat of discipline for making their next behavior CHOICE. 

It is a choice. If it is not a choice, then I would make a clear demand: "Time to pick up. Let's get to it." "We're going outside. Pick up now." 

Choice of good behavior, teaches SO much more than demand, that I try to use this method as often as possible. It also tells me a lot about each child as to how they respond to these observations. 
Tags: child care, daycare, preschool, parenting, discipline, toddlers, preschoolers

Discipline with Discussions

This is a very calm and methodical method to use in discipline. It works if rules and expectations are clear and consistent, as they should be. Always.

What is a "discussion" and how does it impact discipline?

So just now I had a child complaining about another child taking a toy. Both boys are about to turn 4.

STEP 1 is a warning discussion: 

"[Mr. H], do we need to have a discussion about your behavior?"
Mr. H stands and looks at me, side-eyeing his activity, "No!"
"Do you know how you should be behaving and what you should be doing?"
"Yes!"
"Then I want to see that happening."
"Okay..."
Goes back to his activity.

Why it works:
When I talk to a child, I look them in they eye. They are expected to stand and look me in the eye, which takes them away, momentarily, from their activity. The rule here is that a child has possession of items as long as they are actively engaged with that item. Once they are not actively engaged with an item, then they lose possession and the item becomes available to others. So with this "discussion" I took him out of active play and made him concerned for his possession. It reminds him of what step 2 entails if he doesn't change his wayward path.

STEP 2 is a full-on discussion about his behavior 

At this point, we discuss what he did inappropriately, what he should have done instead, and how he plans to respond in a similar situation in the future. It ends with a warning of a time-out consequence if the behavior is repeated. This discussion takes place away from the other children and play areas, removing the child from active possession of any items. 

Why it works:

• It reiterates the rules and expectations in place.
• It tells the child what TO DO, and creates within them an appropriate plan of behavior.
• It makes them indirectly lose possession of their activity, just as a time-out would, without segregation and direct discipline.
• It is a second-step, higher-level consequence to their continued bad choices.
• It gives them a specific future consequence if the behavior is repeated, placing the choice in the child's realm of responsibility.

These guys spend a lot of time in toy jail. Bad dinos.

What a full-on discussion looks like:

Sometimes, as with Mr. L in the pic above, discussions take place because clarification of rules and expectations is necessary. 

Mr. L is also almost 4. Rule broken: Taking toys from your friends.

Me: "Why can't he play with that toy?"
"I don't want him to."
"Were you still playing with it?"
"No."
"So he could play with it?"
"I didn't want him to."
"Then what do you need to do if you want to keep a toy safe?"
"I don't know."
"You need to put them in a safe spot. Where are the safe spots"?"
"On the counter."
"Yes, or in your cubby or you can hand it to me and ask me to put it on the dresser. If you ASK me to put something there, then you can also ASK me to get it down when you are ready to play with it again." [It also acts as toy jail.]
"But I wanted [Mr. H] to have it."
"Then you walk it over to him, ask him if he wants to play with it, and hand it to him. Leaving it lying on the floor makes it okay for ANYONE to play with it, and it is no longer your decision who gets to do so."
"Okay."
"So, since the toy is causing problems, its going up for the rest of the day."
"Okay."
"Now, where are the safe spots to keep toys you want to keep for yourself?"
"Counter, my cubby, or give it to you."
"Yes."
"And if you want to give a toy to a friend, how would you do that?"
"Go give it to him."
"Yes, and if he doesn't want it, then you put it away in the play area."
"Okay."


I will re-visit this discussion later in the day and once again the next day to ensure understanding. If it is something that needs to be reinforced to the entire group, I will do so in a group setting.
Tags: parenting, child care, daycare, preschool, discipline, toddlers, preschoolers, 3 year old, 4 year old, rules, expectations

Communication in Child Care

Communication between child care providers and parent clients is vitally important, and often lacking. The relationship between parents and providers needs to be a clear PARTNERSHIP. All good relationships are based in good communication.

You can't fix a problem you don't understand.

You can't be fully compassionate or patient when you don't understand the motivation.

I have two sets of clients that came to me complaining that the main reason they were leaving their previous provider was due to lack of communication. Both said that each day all the discussion given was a simple, "had a great day!" Then at home when the child wouldn't eat or sleep like usual, was more fussy or defiant than usual, the parents had no clue what could have caused it.

While parents may not appreciate a detailed listing of all their child's transgressions throughout the day, especially when they just got through with work and are not looking forward to the evening drill, it is important that everyone understands and focuses on the child and his/her well-being.

Open communication needs to be created by the provider. Parents do not want to anger a provider who has their child's well-being in their hands for most of each day. 

Many parents and providers simply do not have a personality that allows them to be communication instigators. But as providers, it is a requirement of our business that we learn and practice good communication skills.

Communication levels and methods need to be not only open, but negotiated. I just had a newborn start and I talked with the parents about what I needed and what the parents needed regarding information and communication. I let them know I could give them as little or as much as they needed to feel comfortably informed. Since they are former clients, and our partnership and trust is well established, they need much less from me than a brand new set of clients probably would need.

They decided to send a text when they feed before coming so I know when he'll need another feeding, and they change the infant before coming here as a given. At the end of the day I give them a quick verbal rundown to let them know if he was fussy any, had any tummy issues, how he slept, how many dirty diapers and if wet was good. 

They preferred a verbal rather than written or texted daily review. Their previous provider texted both of them throughout the day what was going on, and it was bothersome to them at work, but they didn't know how to tell her and didn't feel comfortable doing so.

A friend complained recently to me that her center teacher at pick-up time always said her child had "a great day!" But when talking to her child, it was anything but. After hearing that her child had a great day, and then finding a knot on her child's head due to being pushed, my friend went in to talk to the director. 

The pick-up time teacher was only with the children the last couple of hours, and didn't communicate or relay any information from the lead teacher. My friend never saw the lead teacher at drop-off or pick-up, so had absolutely no idea what was actually going on throughout the day. The director offered no apologies or solutions. My friend was thankful her child was old enough to talk, and was talking to me because she is looking for other care options.

Providers need to relay factual detailed incident information, not a general feeling or overreaching label. It should NEVER label a child, only the behavior. "He was a pretty bad boy today," does not tell a parent much and attacks the child's identity. "He hit a child with a dinosaur when I asked him to put it away before lunch," says what happened and gives an indication of why without making assumptions. 

It leaves open that it could have been retaliatory, he could have been hungry or tired, etc. It still wasn't appropriate behavior, but gives more information which leads to more understanding of the situational aspect of the behavior. It also identifies a short period of inappropriate behavior rather than overreaching to include the whole day.

Providers also need to not take parents' concerns as a personal attack, criticism, or complaint. It is a concern about an issue that needs to be addressed. If a discussion devolves into this type of conversation, then it needs to be re-focused on the issue and solutions, not blame or attack. Someone has to be the bigger person and keep a clear and level head.

It is your business. You can run it as you wish and those parameters need to be clear in your Policies and Procedures and your clients need to be thoroughly briefed on those before even an interview is conducted. Policy and procedure issues should have very little contention if presented properly prior to contract. 

Issues that will arise that need to be addressed should revolve around the child, the school and home environments, home schedule changes, expectations of the child and developmental issues.

Last evening, Monday, I spent over half an hour discussing behavior issues with one of my parents. The child had had a couple of rough days at both school and home and we were trying to determine the source. Behavior in young children always has a source. The first behavior we discussed was his obsessive ownership over specific toys. 

While this child has obsessive tendencies, it was unusual for him to be so invested in ownership and, at 3 1/2, throwing screaming tantrums when any other child came near him or played with the items after he abandoned interest. 

I had been thinking about it and had come to the conclusion it had to be something that happened over the weekend to spark this behavior. Mom had been thinking about it and thought it may have been that they had children over to visit over the weekend. 

As we talked, it came about that we agreed that:

• The parents had violated the "new Corvette" rule: they had forced him to share a brand new toy that he had worked for and was extremely special to him.
• The visiting children had been allowed to play in his room, invading his space and making him feel violated.
• He was forced to share his toys and space without limit or discussion.

We discussed that next time children visited that:

• Communal toys should be ones he held no possession over, ones kept just for that purpose of playdates and/or ones that he had abandoned and had little interest in or knowledge of owning.
• Playdates should be in a public area like a living room rather than private like his bedroom. The child can invite the other children into his personal space, but it should be at his invitation with no encouragement or coercion by parents.
• Discussion should be made about any special toys the child might want to have put away for the visit or ones he would truly like to share.
• My solution for here at school, was simply to remove the toys he was obsessing about. One of which, was his "new Corvette" dinosaur that he had to now leave at home.

We also discussed that though the parents' personalities were very open and social, that their child's personality was NOT, to their extent, and that they needed to recognize and respect their child's personal limits and boundaries. 

I discuss things like this with parent clients ALL. THE. TIME. Once we each understand the issue, and come up with some workable solution(s), then the child benefits, as well as everyone in the child's community. The consistency in expectations, and the core value of the child's mental and physical health being forefront between provider and parents, makes the child's life much richer and happier.

Another one of the moms, who I don't see regularly, was in for pick-up last week and brought up a couple of concerns about her son. We just stood around bouncing ideas and theories off of one another for about half an hour, and afterward, we felt we had a good understanding of what was going on and what could be done at school and home to make things better.

Issues that I have discussed with parents recently: the possibility of a preschooler having an auditory processing disorder, a toddler not sleeping through the night and night terrors, a baby wetting out even though the diaper size was upped a size, defiant rule breaking at home and school, a child self-identifying as bad when he doesn't get that information from school or home, potty training prep, a child's recent balance issues, consistency between school and home of vocabulary introduction and sign language for the 11-month-old. 

The children are very comfortable with ALL the parents,
and all the parents are comfortable with all the children.

Communication from me comes regularly through emailed newsletters/notifications, texts, Facebook posts, Youtube video posts, blog posts and verbal daily discussions both mornings and evenings. Clients are welcome to hang out here at any time during school hours, but I will put them to work as teacher's helpers. Clients are also welcome to meet with me after hours to discuss skill development and discipline issues more thoroughly with both parents present without the child[ren]. 

In Reggio, we are all about community, and that is between the children, but also between the children and the other families' members, including extended families, and me. I am on Facebook with most of my current and former clients, many of the grandparents, and some of the aunts and uncles. We have regular dinners where everyone can get to know one another, and often the families get together on the weekends for playdates and outings. This sense of community, which is sorely lacking in young children's lives these days, builds a trust and security that helps them be happier children and better citizens. 

It all begins with good communication.

MINE Toddlers and Possession

The concept of possession is one of the most important for children to attain. Our society is based upon respect for our and other's possession of material goods, rights, responsibilities, feelings, etc.

We begin from birth to give them claim to their feelings. "Does your tummy hurt?" "Oh, you're hungry." "Such a sad face."

By a year, we are stating claim to others' possession. "He's sad that you hit him." "Those are mommy's, no touch." "Not yours, give back."

In general, toddler rules of possession go like this:

But at some point, they begin to move beyond their self-centric possession sense, and expand that to others. They can do this much more quickly through:

• Constant reinforcement of what is theirs 

• Expectation of understanding and respecting their own possession of feelings, material items, responsibilities

• Expectation of them respecting others' possession of feelings, material items, responsibilities 

The toddlers are now 22 months old, and are getting down the concept of one another's possession of material things. We begin to work on this area of the concept as soon as they can begin to reach for things they want, around 6 months old. By 12 months, we are telling them things like, "No touch," "Not yours," "Let go," "Give back," and of course, "MINE."

A key moment happened for us last week when two of the toddler boys were both using similarly colored Frisbees. In the past, as in up to a couple days prior, they would basically take whichever Frisbee they came across first, whether or not it was "their" Frisbee. If the other child had laid claim to it for a while and viewed possession, then a fight would ensue. This time, though, as soon as one of them noticed the Frisbee was not "theirs," the child would immediately head off to find the one they were using. A few times, a child would point out the other child's Frisbee to that child. Possession is one thing, RESPECT for other's possession, is at a whole different level of cognitive and emotional development.

The fact that the Frisbees were so close in appearance [to a toddler] was an indication of just how much the concept had sunk in for them, along with a significant increase in observational skills and discrimination skills.

They have now also assigned possession between them to other toys here at school, such as particular cars, push toys, t-ball bats, etc. and will pass over other's to get to "their" toy, or purposefully hand over the toy to the other child, often whether the other child really wants it at that moment or not. 

It helps that each child has a specific color for their dining ware, a specific spot for nap, a sleeping bag that is uniquely colored, a specific spot at the table, a cubby they can reach to keep their stuff separate, etc. By having these solid foundations for what is MINE at school, it gives them a daily grounding in possession from a very early age. 

I do not force sharing. I have other blog posts with links to people with more expertise than I have to tell you why. Many child care/preschool settings do not allow personal items from home. I ENCOURAGE it. The children do NOT have to share their items from home. Why?

To teach respect and the concept of possession.

Theirs is theirs, not yours.

A child may ASK if the owner will nicely share, but they do not have to share. The child needs to RESPECT that it is the owner's toy. If the owner is nice enough to share, then the child needs to treat the toy kindly and give it back, directly to the owner, when through.

Respect for possessions is not just for other people's. The children who bring items from home must keep them in hand [or on their face/head/etc.], in their cubby,  or in a safe spot. 

Even at nap we respect their possession.

We have safe spots for projects, items, etc. such that anyone may place items in the safe spot, but items may only be removed by me, and only to the owner of that item. Children will often find abandoned home toys and place them in a safe spot. The owner then must request the item from me, often receiving a warning about taking responsibility for our possessions, or they will not be allowed to bring anything for a couple days.

I received a text from Mr. R's mom this weekend asking if I made the toddlers claim their messes. He was spilling water, pointing, and saying, "Mine!"

I responded that yes, I do, and I expect them to clean it up as well. Possession and responsibility have many facets, and this is just another one of those.

The concept of possession and respect for possession is just SO important and it amazes me that this is not an actively TAUGHT concept. All children get it, but through passive, normal interactions. I purposefully place children into situations where this concept can be absorbed, developed, reinforced, and practiced. I believe it makes for much more respectful and responsible children, at a much earlier age.


If a child takes something that isn't theirs, breaks something on purpose or through gross neglect, or is disrespectful of other's feelings/possessions/rights, then there needs to be consequences beyond saying, "I'm sorry." "Sorry," doesn't make anything better and it doesn't change behavior or their moral/ethical compass. Reparation and consequences that are directly in line with the disrespect are appropriate, and DO make a difference. 

Eventually.


We hope.

Just because we teach it, just because we practice it, and just because it is ingrained within them from a very early age...doesn't mean I didn't just have two four-year-olds biting one another over an empty toilet paper tube that was somehow loose on the playroom floor. [Ridiculous, unusual behavior that they got into big time trouble over.]

I'm not sure even adults can ever perfect this concept, but we try.

Toddler & Preschooler Responsibility

"Someone is slacking!
Who's responsibility is this?" 

Yes, I'm talking to 2-4 year olds. And YES, someone will step up and take responsibility and take care of the issue. They will live up to the expectation.

I was talking with two other childcare providers over Thanksgiving and they were both complaining about the children in their care never picking up and making horrible messes. 

They didn't like hearing that I don't really have an issue with that.

Here:

• Everyone is expected to pick up after themselves as soon as they are able to stand up, it is taught from the moment they can SIT up

 

• Everything has a place, but that "place" is fairly large/general so close counts
• For items that cross activity areas such as stuffies & figures, there are homes in each area 
• We pick up throughout the day, before any major activity transition, so it seldom gets overwhelming
• Certain areas, such as blocks, are allowed to remain intact no matter how messy if the child[ren] will be continuing/expanding play
• If you don't know, ask. If you need help, ask. Otherwise, 

JUST DO IT!

• Slackers will lose privilege and have to sit out the next activity, after all, if you are too tired to pick up, then you are also too tired to do an activity
• Super workers get acknowledged and rewarded
• Doing someone else's job, upon my request, gets super rewarded and mentioned to your parents
• Effort is always more important than results
• If I have to pick up anything that is not MY mess, then it will go into the basement until I feel like going down and getting it...someday

When we DO make horrible messes, which we do regularly:

• We work in teams
• We work in zones
• When one zone is completed, that team goes to the next one to help out
• Big kids LEAD little kids, but don't do the work for them
• We sing, race, or do it as a game

While I'm not a huge Barney fan, we do use this song, only we say "Pick Up" rather than clean up.

Responsibility begins to be demanded by children around the age of two, "ME DO IT!!"

However, parents and care givers often give in to these demands with a sigh and eye roll, assist to the point of taking over, or simply negate the request due to time demands or the child's lack of ability. Message: 

"You are incompetent and not worth my time to teach."

Often parents "assist" a child far beyond the time when they gain competency. Again, various reasons from not wanting them to grow up, time constraints, the child's competency, a lack of patience with their efforts, or a need for the child to be compliant with parental requests, interfere with their child's independence. 

I can't begin to count the number of times I've heard a child WHINE to their parent, "Mommy PLEEEEASE put my shoes on. I can't do it."

That's when I sigh and do an eye roll. The same child has put their socks and shoes on multiple times throughout the day.

If they take any item of clothing off here over the age of 2, then they better be able to put it on, or it is staying off until it becomes NECESSARY for it to go back on. Otherwise, it becomes a game that I am not interested in playing. 

That's not to say that we don't work learning how to take our clothes on and off, just at appropriate times.

"I can't do it!"

"It's okay if you can't do it, but it's not okay to not TRY.

TRY and then if you really can't, I'll help you out.

Besides, I need to see what you are doing wrong

before I can teach you how to do it right."

 Parents are often NOT good about promoting responsibility throughout childhood.

"Miss Connie, do I need to wait for my friends to get here before folding towels?"

"Nope. Go for it, buddy."

  "[Miss N] is helping me! She's handing me the towels so I can fold them."

Here, the children help me fold towels, put away groceries, clean and do a variety of tasks, get out and put away their own bedding & cots, dress themselves, put their dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink, put their items away appropriately, push their sleeves up and get in line to wash their hands; all without any coercion, threats or yelling, simply through routine and expectation and the occasional clapping sequence to let them know that we are entering or in a transition and they need to perform accordingly.

Miss H 2 years

We have a jobs chart that gets rotated every Monday for the children age 3 and up. Since this is a home child care, we usually have 3-5 preschoolers at any given time.

• Kitchen Helper: sets the tables, passes out drinks and plates

• Teacher's Helper: fetches, grabs, holds, and does special projects
• Cleaning Helper: dusts, vacuums, wipes down, supervises pick up times, assigns pick up tasks/teams/zones, and holds last responsibility for having everything put away

Mr. G 3 years
This is a Eureka lightweight upright.
1/2 the weight of the average vac.
In the fully down position, the telescoping handle
is perfect for the littles.

• Outside Helper: Helping keep the outside areas picked up, playing games with the little ones

Printable for pencil glyph is available for FREE at my TPT store. It also makes cute task cards or word wall. They are sized to fit next to 8 1/2 inch name cards in a 14 1/2 inch wide pocket chart, available currently 12/2013 at Dollar Tree and Target for $1.

Each preschooler also has a toddler Biddy Buddy that they assist as needed. The little ones know that their preschooler is there to help them, but only if they ask and only so far. 

This all promotes:

• Responsibility for self and others
• Leadership & mentorship
• Sense of pride/accomplishment/self-worth
• Life skills
• Independence
• Self-reliance
• Community
• Ability to source & request assistance

No CRYING over spilled milk

but a lot of learning...

"I spilled my milk."
"So what do you need to do?"
"Clean it up."
"Yep."

"[Miss N] took the cap off her sippy and spilled it all over!!"
"Then the Kitchen Helper and/or her Buddy need to show her how to clean it up."
"YOU'RE kitchen helper [pointing to child] and I'm her buddy [pointing to self.]  I'll get TWO towels and we'll show her how."

Notice that I purposefully didn't mention names, assign tasks, give instructions, etc. I simply stated the responsibility. The goal of responsibility is for them to figure it out themselves who is responsible, what their job entails and to determine and source the needed resources.

If they don't do the job completely, then it's my responsibility to step in and TEACH them how to do the job correctly. But usually, if needed, the other children will help to ensure that all the steps are followed and the job is done well.

I make enough of my OWN messes I have to deal with.
FFGs, busy bags, snowball sight words, curriculum, books to sort, etc...

"When I'm all done I have to pick up every piece of the train set since I put it all the way in the kitchen and you don't like us to have toys in the kitchen. You might trip and get hurt," Mr. G came and informed me most solemnly today after constructing for awhile during nap time. 

Guess he wanted me to know he was on top of it.

If there is a basket full of clean towels sitting around when they arrive, they simply start folding when they feel like it. I don't have to say anything. All of them will eventually get folded and put away during the day. 

If I have cleaned toys and they are sitting around in a bin, again, they will eventually be put away where they belong without me having to say a word. 

The expectation exists, and children will live up to your reasonable expectations.

Tags: parenting, parents, toddlers, children, kids, responsibilities, chores, expectations, abilities, preschooler, preschoolers, childcare, child, care, daycare, age, stage, development

Rules for Reasons

Parents, please don't make your toddler's life at child care, playgroup, Gymboree classes or any multi-child setting, any more difficult than it needs to be!!

As a child care provider and preschool teacher, I create...

While few and simple, they are very important for all children to be successful and SAFE.

When doing an introductory meeting with parents, I discuss how school rules need to be followed at home so that the child has consistent expectations and can trust his home and school environments to the extent that the child can make appropriate choices in actions and behaviors at both. 

There are some experiences I have had that really get this point across.

• I had a 2 year-old hitting all the other children with large blocks, seemingly taking great glee in their pain, suffering, screams and tears. He was laughing and having a good time of torturing the others. Nothing stopped him, or even slowed down his seeming quest to attack everyone. I finally had to exclude him from the other children.

This surprised me, as hitting is the capital offense at school, with instant time-out and a stern lecture. He hadn't shown a penchant for it prior to this particular instance. In discussing this with his mother, showing the bruises and tears of the other children, she admitted that they had bought their boys play light sabers over the weekend and had a great time all beating each other up. "...it was so cute...he had such a great time!"

Unfortunately, a 2 year-old is completely incapable of reasoning between a play lightsaber against his 5 year-old brother and parents, and a block against the head of another toddler, or a stick into the eye of another child. 

Artwork used with permission from Let's All Make Believe
Print available $12 from her Etsy shop

These parents, over a weekend, taught their son that hitting other people was not only okay, but strongly encouraged, attention getting and FUN! A recipe for child care disaster on Monday. 

Parental attention and encouragement 

will ALWAYS trump school rules.

• I also see this happen with ball throwing around the 18mo-2yo range. A father was so proud of his son's strong arm until he threw a rock into the face of another child. Even after discussing this with the father, he didn't stop throwing with his son, he just tried to "teach" him to only throw balls. (Not going to happen at this age range.) The child was constantly in trouble at school for throwing. The father FINALLY decided to wait on the ball throwing until the boy reached at least 3. What was the catalyst for his abrupt about face? The child chucked a toy into his dad's private parts. The dad found out just what a good, strong arm his boy had on him.

This one happens FREQUENTLY...Dad's and their obsession with their son's pitching ability! GEEEEZ! 

Another dad did the exact same thing...didn't stop the throwing, and tried to "teach" his toddler to only throw balls, even after I relayed the previous story. This one didn't last as long, since his son decided to chuck rocks in the driveway, with all the strength his little arm could muster, at daddy's new Lexus while dad was showing it off to a friend. Within an HOUR of purchasing it! 

Unfortunately for him, the little boy didn't stop throwing all together as quickly as his father would have liked. A few days later, this dad got a golf ball into his private parts. The height difference between toddlers and fathers is perfect for this. 

I couldn't help myself: "Yep, he really does have a very STRONG arm, doesn't he? Imagine if that would have been a block against another kid's head."

Dad: "Yeahhhhh, sorry."

What I didn't say,

"TOLD YOU SO!"

But I wanted to!

This isn't just boys! My cousin was talking about her daughter playing pirate and hitting the dog with her foam sword and how "funny it was. We were dying laughing. The poor dog, though, was terrorized." 

I basically told her everything I've written here, and extrapolated it to a stick being hit against her baby niece. She immediately called over her husband and said, "NO MORE SWORDS!" I reminded her that it was only until Sadie showed some sound reasoning after she turned three. Not too long to wait.

 

Until a child's reasoning between objects and actions, and a semblance of self-control emerges, throwing and hitting, in any manner, in any form, of any thing, is a FIRM NO!! What is okay with an older sibling or parent, at home, is NOT OKAY in any multi-child setting.

It's simply not fair to the child to be reprimanded harshly elsewhere for something that is not only approved of, but ENCOURAGED at home. Every child wants adult approval, and they get very mixed signals when their parents and their teachers or caregivers have dramatically different responses to what the child perceives as the SAME ACTION.

Even worse, is when a parent has actively encouraged a particular action or behavior, and then, when it is done in a manner the parent deems inappropriate, harshly punishes their child. Praising and laughing for the child throwing a ball, then spanking them for throwing rocks at the car, is WRONG!

It's NOT FAIR. 

Tags: lying, children, development, discipline, punishment, toddler, preschool, childcare, daycare, parenting, parent, girl, boy, rules, consistency, behavior, tantrums, child, limits, care

Discipline Means TO TEACH

DISCIPLINE

What you do to help the child learn to control himself.

PUNISHMENT
What you do to control the child. 

What kind of child do you want to have? 

If you model aggression, anger, reactionary actions, and demeaning comments toward your child then you will gain a child who is out of control, has low self-esteem and is unable to appropriately express his/her feelings. If you model calm, thoughtfulness, respect, politeness and place the child in control of their life through providing appropriate choices for them to make, then you will gain a child who is emotionally secure, responsible, confident, and in control. Mental and physical disorders aside. 


If you have a goal of the child you want to have raised at the end of age 18, then your every action and parenting choice can have a meaningful agenda.  Literally, the word discipline means to teach.

We must teach them what TO DO, 

rather than punish them for something they DID DO, 

often unknowingly inappropriate.

I strongly urge every parent, teacher and caregiver to check out Dr. Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline book and website. It is, I believe, one of the best discipline techniques out there for children three and over. It is being utilized in many major school districts. I found it to be a good management philosophy in handling adult disagreements as well. 


For the younger children, though, here is my philosophy on discipline, gleaned from years as a childcare provider, parent to one half-grown and  two grown  boys, exhaustive research and trainings. Most of it applies to older children as well.

• Keep Your Expectations Realistic. If you demand too much, your child may feel out of control and frustrated. Is it truly an important disciplinary situation, or are you just irritated?

• Praise your child for cooperation. Don’t spend a lot of time explaining why you want them to do it, but do tell them what’s in it for them. 

• Respond Immediately

• Don’t over explain to toddlers. The more you engage your toddler in discussion, the more attention s/he gets from acting out. A toddler remembers the last few words they hear come out of your mouth, so make sure those are the important ones for your message. Everything that comes before that floats aimlessly off and is a waste of your breath. As they gain the ability to carry on a conversation and ask questions, then it's time to up the information.

• Label your children's emotions for them, since they can’t do it themselves. Eventually, they will learn to label them and begin to respond appropriately.

• Praise your child for good behavior. It will inspire them down the road. For every negative comment made by a parent or caregiver, a child really needs about 10 positive, SPECIFIC, statements to keep their confidence and self-worth at the highest level. So beware of harsh criticism. As with adults, it eats away at a person's self-esteem, and every child deserves the right to feel good about themself. 

• Attention, some times it just takes a little from an adult to defuse a situation. 

• Beware the television. Children who watch violent images in any manner, newscasts, parent’s movies, or cartoons, are more aggressive. Don’t think that just because they are playing in the corner that they are not picking up on what is portrayed. Research suggests that violent images, rapid movement such as in video games, and constant stimulation re-wires a child's or adult's brain, and not for the better.

• Spanking breeds hitting. If you do it, then the child sees it an acceptable form of behavior. They will begin to hit, especially smaller children, if no smaller children are around, they may start hitting the pets. Or themselves. An aggressive household breeds aggressive children, a calm, thoughtful household breeds calm, thoughtful children. Appropriate DISCIPLINE, not punishment, is time out or the removal of a privilege, only after the child has had the opportunity to self correct the behavior and has been provided with a warning of the consequences of continuing an inappropriate choice of behavior. The exceptions being harmful or malicious behaviors such as hitting another child, which requires an immediate, firm response with the maximum time in time-out or the loss of a favorite privilege. 

• Remember that certain stages are temporary. Biting, tantrums, yelling “no” to everything, bad language - don’t worry about them too much. Just make certain your child knows that the behavior isn’t acceptable and won’t be tolerated, but keep a calm reaction. A harsh reaction to these will simply reinforce the behavior and extend them much longer than they would normally occur. 

• Remember that defiance is good. It means the child is secure enough in your relationship to challenge you. 

• Accept your child’s feelings, which he cannot control. Stop the disruptive behavior, which they can learn to control. 

• Set reasonable limits for your child’s age and needs. 

• Establish the rules and consequences, keep them simple, keep them consistent, and respond appropriately and immediately. And YES, you will have to repeat them a few hundred times. 

• Age and stage knowledge. Don’t expect your young child to be able to do what even teenagers can’t do: resist temptation and peer pressure, and react rather than act. Children lack full impulse control and logical reasoning into their early twenties. How many times have you yelled at the idiot who cut you off on the road, with your child in the car? That is a reaction rather than an action, and your child picks up on that. If you can’t keep your cool in all situations, just think how your child feels when they have very little cool to begin with. If you don't know what's appropriate or normal for the developmental age or stage of your child, find out. Keep your expectations in line with reason.

• There shouldn’t be a “bad guy” syndrome. If the rules/expectations and consequences are clear, then it is the child’s choice and decision to do the unacceptable behavior and take the consequence. It should be worded in just that way.

• Correct your child’s behavior with love and respect. Children are not born with self-control and a handbook of societal norms programmed within. They must LEARN these things. 

• Avoid embarrassing your child. At least until the teen years. Always address the behavior as inappropriate or a poor choice, not that the child himself is bad, wrong, or anything derogatory. 

• Avoid threats. “If you do that one more time, you’re going to time-out.” Instead: “You may go play with your toys or sit at the table and draw. If you choose to continue (misbehavior) then you will go to time-out.” This takes it from your reactionary threat to placing the responsibility for a choice upon your child. They may choose to continue with the behavior and go to time-out. Make certain they know it was their choice. 

• Give two acceptable choices to your child, and respect the one they choose. “You may play with your blocks or your puzzle.” Don’t continue with, “Instead of sitting on your brother to get his toy.” 

• Rules should be simple and repetitive. When a child misbehaves and needs a reminder, remember that behavior is LEARNED. It is TAUGHT by parents, caregivers, teachers and society through consistent expectations and modeling. “We sit in our seats.”  

• Consistency. Trust and good behavior stem from consistency in routine and expectations. This includes knowing where things will be, when things will be done, and how they are to be done. As much consistency as possible between all of a child’s caregivers is important, so be sure to communicate and get on the same page. 

• Sleep and a consistent sleep time. Children to age six need 12 hours a night. Studies have shown that everyone, adults and children, need a consistent time to go to sleep and wake up to keep their bodies in sync. This is especially true for children. The occasional holiday or special event won’t hurt them, but a daily sleep routine is a must. Sleep is the number one key to behavior issues. Children deserve to have their behavior issues be their own choices, not because of lack of sleep. 

• Use when/then statements. “When you put your pj’s on, then we can read a book. 

• Make “yes” fun. Make a not-so-desirable task into a game. 

• Time-out should be given for specific behaviors or levels of behavior.Time-out should be given for hitting or other harmful behaviors, and it should be given as an option to the child when reminders, choices, or distraction haven’t worked. Children should be fully aware that they are going to time-out when they chose the behavior that will put them there. Time-out should be for one minute per age, maximum, of the child. It should be somewhere segregated, within your perimeter, and not fun. Often this is facing a corner, or for older children it is the bottom step of stairs. There should be no entertainment value in sight, including lures to abandon the position. The child should sit or stand quietly for the time allotted.  *I know there are many against ANY time-out, but it is the only option available for childcare providers [me!] to segregate a harmful or highly disruptive child from the other children in a safe manner. If a child is in a childcare setting, then consistency between home and school is important. 

The first stage of child development is the first year, where the infant learns trust, that the world is a safe place to be and their needs get met. 

The second stage is ages 1-3, where the child learns to be independent and to control him/herself. One of the reasons for the “terrible two’s” is due to the child coming to the realization that what they have been told they “can’t” do, is actually stuff that they can do, only adults won’t let them. Most of it is stuff that they really want to do, also. Like throwing things, hitting things, climbing, taking really cool toys from other children and exploring away from the grown ups. When they get away with these behaviors, even once, they realize that, "Not only can I do it, but I just might get away with it." One study states that for every time a child gets away with an inappropriate behavior, s/he will attempt it a minimum of ten more times, even if every one of those other ten times they receive correction. This is the time period where it is most important that the child have consistency in expectations and consequences. 

The third stage is ages 3-5, where a child plans and does tasks. They have a need to belong. Children at this stage need to be taught and be responsible for tasks such as folding washcloths, putting away some of the dishes, choosing items for dinner, setting the table, and helping with pets. They are also cognitively capable of helping to create rules and consequences, and to understand the reasoning behind them. Often, when given the task, they will create consequences for their own inappropriate behavior much more severe than an adult would.  

Lastly - lying is not cognitively active until the age of 8. At age 6 you can begin to start your child questioning their statements, such as "Is that real or make-believe?" Until the age of 6, lying is simply wishful thinking/story telling. The child does not have control over it. They do it because they truly want it to be the way they say, to keep out of trouble, or to make you happy. They will also alter their thought processes so that they ACTUALLY BELIEVE that is what happened. Once again, you can not punish a child for something they have no control over. Lying is NOT LYING until age 6-8. Let it go. However, there does need to be an appropriate response to inappropriate behavior. "There are crayon marks on the wall, so the crayons have to be in time-out for a week." (denied writing on wall) "Your friend is crying because you were not a nice friend, so you have to go into time-out." (denied pushing/hitting/taking toy) Story telling, "I have a pet lion," should simply be encouraged. "Really, what color is he? Does he eat a lot of meat?" Imaginary friends, etc. should be thoughtful encouraged as your child explores their emerging imagination and learns the intricacies of using it in all it's many colors. One of these is the black and white thing that adults view as lying. 
Tags: lying, children, development, discipline, punishment, toddler, preschool, childcare, daycare, parenting, parent, girl, boy, rules, consistency, behavior, tantrums, child, limits